I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
