Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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