She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
