Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
