I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
