well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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