you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
