I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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