somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
