found the other keg... it's in the tree
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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