drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
