In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize