I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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