She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
