genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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