You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
