I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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