4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
