I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This baby is an asshole
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
