hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
