Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
my poor anus
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
