Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
