Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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