I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
