absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
