I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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