I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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