I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
