i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
only if we run a train.
done.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Randomize
