you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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