I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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