It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
