mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i think my tv is drunk
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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