nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize