It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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