my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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