even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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