I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
