life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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