i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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