If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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