Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
