I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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