Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
