Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
