I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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