Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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