The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
