The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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