My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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