I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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