even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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