You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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