My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
