her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
