I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No subtext here. People are naked.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
