so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
