i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
