there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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