you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
