This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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