I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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