Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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