You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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