Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
