He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
