if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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