Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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