I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
