I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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